


Unsteady

by CerebralThunder



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Angst, Blood, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fake AH Crew, Fluff and Angst, Lots of Crying, M/M, Multi, Multiple Personalities, Other, Violence, gone wrong
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-06
Updated: 2016-09-26
Packaged: 2018-08-13 09:27:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7971745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CerebralThunder/pseuds/CerebralThunder
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ray misses a crucial shot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Fuck! Fuck!” Ray cried out, dropping the pink rifle as soon as he heard the shot ring through the air. No. No, how had he missed that shot? How the hell had he missed? Then there was blood, spattering from another shot that broke through the sickening silence. Geoff was screaming in his ear, Michael was there too, Gavin was babbling, and Jack was crying. “Ryan?! Ryan!” He was off the roof, and on the street in minutes, the rest of the crew was spread out, but he got word that they were coming. He drops to his knees, his target already fleeing the scene.

“R-Rye?” Ray was trembling as he reached for him, lifting the Vagabond's head onto his lap. There was a wound in his gut, blood spreading like wild fire, “I-I'm so fuckin' sorry. I missed the shot!” Ray's voice cracked with distress, knowing that the rest of the crew could hear him. Ryan's eyes opened, his gaze so soft, that it made the sniper choke out a ragged sob. He had done this. This was his fault.

“Hey buddy, it's okay. It's okay.” how was he so calm, “It'll be okay, don't cry. Don't cry, My Rose.” the Vagabond lifted a weak hand to cup Ray's wet cheek. He could feel it in his chest, the darkness pulling at him. It was a frightening feeling, but he wouldn't let Ray see that fear in him. He wouldn't allow it. Ray shook his head at a crazy speed, grasping at Ryan's hand desperately now, not able to catch his breath. He was breaking down. Crumbling with the weight of his mistake.

“I-I can't stop, Ryan. I can't lose you. Don't you fuckin' die on me asshole. Don't you do it. The crew is on their way, they'll be here soon. We'll fix it. We'll make sure you're okay.” he sobs, thick, ugly tears washing down his flush cheeks, “Don't leave me all alone.”

A wisp of a smile graces the man's lips, even with the pain of Ray pressing his hand into the wound in the hopes of stopping the bleeding. Ryan's eyes struggled to stay open. Ray was going to be a mess when he was gone, and that made him anxious. It was what he feared more than this death, “Ray— Baby, listen to me. Listen to me.” his voice is getting noticeably weaker, “I'll find you again. We always find each other, love. You know that. I will remember you, and where ever I wake up. Wherever I am. I'll come home to you.” Blue orbs wavered, and the life in those pools were draining too quickly for Ray.

“No...No, I can't.” Ray cries out, but Ryan is quick to stop him.

“Hold on to me, love. I need to feel you right now.” he whispers, “I want the first thing I remember to be your kiss.” Ray leaned in, and smashed their lips together in a desperate, bloody attempt. He kissed Ryan like it would change things. Like this wasn't happening. He gave up on the wound, and he wrapped both of his arms around him, blood soaking his hoodie. Ray held him and anchored his lover to this existence. Who would know how he would come back, it was always a gamble.

“C-Come back soon, Rye.” and that was it, a light engulfed the area, and Ryan's body dissipated from his embrace. The world stood still, as Ray screamed into the night, Geoff being the one to gather his sobbing form from the pavement. Ryan's blood was still there, and they all knew what had happened. They'd be there for Ray though, it was never easy when one of their own went through this. Being immortal had it's perks, but this, this was an event they all hated. 

“I got you Ray. I got you.” Geoff murmured, collecting Ray into his arms, and carrying him off. 

They get through this.

They'd see Ryan again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a little sorry.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so it was just supposed to be a one-shot, but I felt like the story wasn't over. So, here's more! I like this so far.
> 
> The chapter was written to the song HeavyDirtySoul by Twenty One Pilots.

Tick.

Tick.

_Tick. ___

__Breathing is easy when you're asleep, your mind has this brief time to relax and process your thoughts of the day. Though, when your thoughts are nothing but rain clouds, and thunder claps, sleep isn't the escape that you hope. Ray gasped awake. The tick, tick, ticking of the clock sending a shiver through his sweat slicked body. His eyes are blown wide, vision blurry as his head snaps to one side and then the other. His hand is immediately to the pistol on his night stand, fingers trembling as he felt the cool steel against his palm. He can hear it. He can smell the blood. It's like it was happening all over again. It was like Ryan was dying in front of him, and Ray finds his hands coming up to clasp against his ears._ _

__His screaming echoes through the house, and soon there's footsteps running through the hall, and his bedroom door is slammed open. Geoff, in a tired, disoriented state bolted into the cold room, gun in hand. When the older male realized there wasn't an intruder, he made a beeline for his sniper. Geoff has been helping Ray, just as he had promised, because the boy was lost without the Vagabond. Ryan's death had effected everyone, but not the way it had torn Ray apart. It's been seven months. Two hundred days. Four hours. That's how long Ryan had been gone. There was no sign of him reappearing anywhere, and normally it didn't take too long for the crew to find one of their own._ _

__Things got worse on the third month without Ryan, a heated argument between Ray and Michael ended with words that Michael didn't mean. _'It's your fault he's gone! He probably hates you! He's never going to come home, and that's on you!'_ Gavin had torn Michael away from Ray who seemed to have gone catatonic. Ray disappeared for a week after the incident, only to return battered and bruised. No one asked what he had been doing during that time. No one was that stupid. Michael apologized, and they made up, but those words haunted Ray. This, this is when the night terrors started to come, and the only thing they found that could calm Ray down was Geoff._ _

__“Ray?” Geoff hummed, carefully setting his weapon aside and raising his hands to show he wasn't a threat to him. Ray however was lost in his terror, eyes open, but not seeing anything but his deepest horrors._ _

__“Ryan! No! There's so much blood.” he screeched, tears falling wildly against flushed cheeks. It was in that moment Geoff noticed how sickly Ray looked. His face was sunken, collarbones jutting out from his thin t-shirt, and a greyish tinge cast over his features. This was probably the worst night terror that he had ever witness Ray having, and it had his head spinning. Normally he could snap Ray out of the dream state without much issue. The younger male was beginning to tug at his hair, strands falling out in the process, and Geoff acted quickly. He couldn't allow him to hurt himself._ _

__“Ray! Ray, listen to me!” he shouts, reaching out to grasp his wrists, but unfortunately Ray began to thrash against the touch. “You're okay! Wake up, Ray. Wake up for me, lad!” Geoff hadn't noticed the audience that had gathered in the door way, the rest of the crew looking incredibly scared by the on going event. Gavin was holding tight to Michael's hand, the auburn male's face screwed up in what could only be described as guilt. Jack was behind both of them, warm palms pressed to their shoulders. They all wanted Ryan back, and Ray being like this wasn't making his absence any less painful. The three watched, sad eyed, as Geoff wrestled Ray's body to the mattress, tugging the smaller man tight against his chest. Once he was subdued, panting, Geoff kept one arm wrapped tight around Ray's torso to pin his arms, but he was gingerly petting his hair._ _

__“That's it—” He whispers, lips pressed to the back of his head as he spoke, “That's it Ray, I'm here. I'm here.” There was a whimper and everyone froze as Ray spoke in his dazed state. They could all see him relaxing now, pressing back against Geoff._ _

__“Ryan?” he mumbled out, eyes falling closed as his friend's warmth enveloped him. Geoff didn't have the heart to correct him like this. No one had the heart to tell Ray that Ryan was still gone. Instead, the three in the doorway shuffled in, and all curled up on Ray's bed to sleep for the night. Everyone was upset, because yes they've all experienced death, but Ryan had been gone for so long. What if he didn't come home? What if for whatever reason he just didn't come back? Game Over? That was something the men had always thought possible, that one day they'd all die for good._ _

__Ray was fast asleep shortly after being held, and Geoff could feel tears brimming against his tired eyes. His gaze lifted to the others who looked despondent at best. Gavin had Michael in his arms, curled up close to Ray, and Jack was on his back staring blankly up at the ceiling. Thank God for King sized beds._ _

__“Geoff—” Jack breaks the silence, his voice just over a whisper, but with how quiet the room was now it was easy to hear. The only other noise was Ray's soft snores from his place in Geoff's arms._ _

__“Yeah, man?” Geoff mumbles, his chin tucking Ray closer, “What's up?” Gavin and Michael were uncharacteristically quiet, just listening to the older Gents now. They ached for their fellow lad, and it was throwing the whole dynamic off. Even on heists lately, Ray couldn't focus. He was becoming reckless. He nearly had himself blown up on nearly five different occasions. Gavin had actually seen him ready practically jump off a building, but luckily he had caught the sniper's jacket and tugged him back. Ray swore up and down that he was just going to jump down to the lower roof, but Gavin had his doubts. They all did._ _

__“We can't keep going on like this.” motioning to Ray in the process, hand flippantly waving in the air, nothing but the moon illuminating the room now._ _

__“What are we supposed to do, Jack?” Geoff whispers back, and to their surprise, the answer is something that they had all thought at one point or another. It made them all cringe._ _

__“I think that we need to take him out of the game for a bit. Hear me out. We have a safe house up in the mountains, and he can stay there for a bit. He can stay there until he gets his head on straight. We can't keep going through this, Geoff. I love the kid, hell, we all do.” Jack is now staring directly at Ray, who was knocked out cold after his episode. “But this would just be temporary. Just until he can function again, have a clear enough head to go on heists. He's putting us all in danger— He's putting himself in danger.” Gavin sighs in response, silently agreeing with Jack. He'd hate to see him go, but this seemed like a good plan, though his partner wasn't on the same page._ _

__Michael scoffs under his breath, “What so we send him to the fuckin' mountains to be eaten by bears n' shit?” he shakes his head, “No, maybe take him outta the heists for now, but he's not goin' anywhere. Ryan will fuckin' kill us himself if he ever comes back and finds out we ostracized him.” his tone was sharp and protective. No one was taking him anywhere. He'd fucking fight Jack if he had to._ _

__“But the fresh air might do him good, boy.” Gavin murmurs against Michael's ear, only to receive a _'There fuckin' fresh air here.'_ from his partner. Geoff opened his mouth to speak, but something happened that had them all startled, and leaping from the bed all at once. Ray was jolted awake, confused as to why everyone was in his room, but when he looked up and saw the sight he was on his feet. There in the door way, was a man, with eyes so blue that it sent ice through their veins. A sharp sob escapes Ray's lips, and he's coming forward quickly, nearly tripping over himself._ _

__“Rye?!” Ray exclaims, but as he comes closer, there's the brandishing of something metal. Then he feels it. He can hear Geoff shouting behind him, but it was muffled by the shot that rang through the small room. Ray crumbles to the ground, clutching the bullet wound in his shoulder. Ryan had shot him. Shit. No. This was a nightmare. Right? Geoff had told him that bad things would happen in his dream, but they weren't real. He would have believed it too, if not for the pain in shoulder. Everything happened in a blur after that. Ryan had dropped the gun, like it had never happened, and was just blinking unseeingly up at everyone._ _

__A thud rattled the bedroom floor, as Geoff swung at Ryan, sending the Vagabond down to Ray's level. They made eye contact, and then nothing. Ray blacked out._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I smell some drama coming up.
> 
> Why the hell did he shoot Ray?  
> Why was he gone so long?  
> Geoff may have something to tell Ryan?  
> What do you think?


	3. Awakening

Everyone was up now, no one was going to sleep after what had happened. Geoff and Michael wrestled Ryan down to the spare room, where they subdued the Vagabond and secured him to a chair. Meanwhile, Gavin and Jack carried an unconscious Ray down to the kitchen and quickly began to tend to the bullet wound. Jack didn't have time to give him anything, he just dug out the bullet, and made sure nothing was too damaged. Upon the check up, Gavin sewed up his friend with shaky fingers, feeling physically ill by the blood smeared across his long fingers. Once Ray was okay, and Jack was certain that he was stable they brought him to the living room and laid him down. Though, he was sure that he'd wake up, with Michael screaming as loud as he could in the other room.

In the spare room, Michael was in Ryan's face, “What the fuck was that?!” he hissed into the man's face, his rage knowing no bounds. “Why the hell did you shoot him?! What the fuck is wrong with you?!” his voice was cracking with emotion, face reddened by the anger, his blood pressure through the roof, he was sure of it. Geoff was standing quietly in the corner, letting Michael have his moment with Ryan, trying to process what was going on. Ryan seemed to have calmed down, the murderous glint in his eyes having faded, and there was something oddly familiar in them now. He had seen it once, in himself, when he had come back from the dead a few years ago. It was frightening. 

Michael was getting frustrated with Ryan, and Geoff could tell because he swung and slammed a fist into the wall, cracking the drywall, and breaking a few of his knuckles in his process. A slew of curses fell from his lips, “You fuckin' stupid, fuckin' fuck! I— I can't even fuckin' be around you! Shit!” he'd kill Ryan if he kept talking to him, and he wasn't exaggerating. Ray meant a lot to the Jersey boy, they had grown up together in the system. Michael had always been the big brother Ray never had, and Michael was fiercely protective of him, he still hated himself for blowing up on him months ago. He blamed himself for pushing Ray over the edge. For driving him away. He had to make it up to him, he just had to. Geoff watched as Michael finally left the room, tears in his eyes, but mainly from the rage and not so much the pain splintering up his hand.

Geoff sighs audibly, and pulls a chair up to sit across from Ryan, stroking his mustache as he did. Ryan. Ryan James Haywood. The Vagabond. The Mad King. He was as mad as a hatter when Geoff had first met him all those years ago. Nearly fifteen years ago to be exact. It was when he had first moved to Los Santos, and a string of brutal serial murders had began to pop up. Geoff was interested in meeting who ever had done them, because they had talent. That much had been certain. So, Geoff dug around, and he came across The Vagabond for the first time. He met him in a dark alley, and he made him a deal. He told him to work for him, and he'd make sure the LSPD would never be able to get him. Fast forward six years, and Ryan finally warmed up to Geoff. He seemed to have eased in his ways, only killing when necessary. Then something really changed years later. There little crew grew. 

First, Jack joined, kindness and wisdom wrapped up in an ugly Hawaiian shirt. It took Ryan only a few months to be comfortable around Jack, trusting him much more easily than he had trusted Geoff. Then a squirrelly Brit with too much money, and a skill with computers that rivaled anything they could do. He brought humor and laughter to the crew, he funded their exploits, and Ryan really enjoyed him. Next, a broken Jersey boy, who got in a fist fight with Gavin the first night he was introduced. Ryan could understand that explosive rage, he related to it. The first time the Vagabond saw Michael in trouble, ganged up on, it was pure instinct to protect him. Finally, there was Ray. Ray, his rose. Ray, his light. Geoff saw immediately what Ray would become to Ryan, ann anchor, a tie to reality. He saw the psychosis that would sometimes take Ryan over disappear almost all together, it was because of Ray. Ryan had just fell so head over heels for the sniper that no one really had time to process it.

Soon, it became Ryan and Ray, or Ray and Ryan. There was no one without the other. So, the fact Ryan had shot Ray didn't make sense to him. It didn't add up. It just—

“You gunna say somethin'?” Geoff glanced up at the low voice, his breathing hitching slightly at the defeated look in Ryan's gaze. There was a small laugh, a breathy one, “How have you been, old friend?”

This, this person talking wasn't the Ryan he knew. Wasn't the Ryan that had made so much progress throughout the years. The relatively sane man he had grown into. No. This was The Vagabond. Before Geoff. Before friends. Before Ray. Geoff pinched the bridge of his nose, he didn't know what had happened throughout the last seven months, but clearly it hadn't been good. Ryan had reverted back. 

“I'm not well,” Geoff grumbles out, aging years with how exhausted he sounded, “Not well.” A brow is lifted in response, Ryan's head quirking to the side in the most questioning manner. His lip was split, blood drying on his chin, and giving him a rather devilish demeanor. It made Geoff's skin crawl if he was honest.

“Why is that?” he hummed, icy hues dancing in the pale light.

Geoff apparently had to spell this out for him, “You know who you shot right? You shot Ray, man. You shot _Ray_. I'm at a loss here, buddy. I really am. I don't know what happened to you.” Ryan looked thoroughly confused, and Geoff is now leaning forward on his elbows, “Ray? Ryan, you—”

The Vagabond basically hissed at the sound of his own name, “Don't! Don't use it!” he snaps, bracing against his bounds, “I've told you to never use my name!” a sigh falls from his lips, and Geoff leans back, scrubbing at his eyes. He needed a beer. No, he needed whiskey. 

“Right, you're The Vagabond.” he mumbles, and watched Ryan physically relax in the chair, “You work for me though, and I don't take kindly to being talked to like that.” Geoff has turned steely, if this truly was Ryan now, they had a long way to go. “I'll call you whatever the fuck I want as long as you're on my fuckin' payroll!” 

Ryan gives a haughty laugh, “You should watch yourself, old man. I may be workin' for you now, but in the end I do what I please. You should know that. You should know better than to speak to _me_ that way. I don't know why you're angry anyways, I shot the man, so what?” something ached in his chest as he spoke those words, but it wasn't much for the man to give pause, “You've told be before to shoot anyone not welcome in our home.” again, a pain, causing him to wince visibly now.

“And why isn't he welcomed?” Geoff presses, noticing the discomfort. 

“He's a liar.” Ryan says bluntly, “I saw him, just his face as I arose from the depths of hell. I saw his sniper, and then I was dead. He _killed_ me, didn't he? He sent me back into the darkness, and in that darkness I had nothing! There was nothing but screaming! For so long, I was stuck there, and I heard him. I heard his voice, laughing. He was laughing at me.” Ryan's eyes had blown up dramatically as he retold his tale. “When I woke up, I had to see him...I needed to see him bleed.” he felt something against his cheeks, tears having flown over in waves. He couldn't stop them. He just cried, and cried. Geoff felt for him, coming back was different for everyone. This time, it just seemed to be worse than ever.

Geoff shakes his head, “You're not thinking straight.” he whispers, watching the tears wash over his painted face, “That's not what happened, my friend. How you confused you must be.” a silence falls between them, and Geoff has to take a breath. He was quiet for a long time it seemed, just letting Ryan cry out whatever it was fogging his head. He slouched in the chair after a long while, brows pinched in the middle as he thought.

“I saw other things when I woke up...” Ryan murmured, “I saw him again—”

“Ray, you saw Ray.” Geoff corrected.

“Ray,” the name causes him to suck in an sharp, unsteady breath. His eyes widened, as if he had just realized what he had done. He shakes his head, cursing, “Fuck, Ray? Ray. I-I...I fucking shot, Ray?” Ryan's voice becomes a little more erratic, and suddenly he's fighting harder against the ropes, “Where is he? Is he alright? Oh, fuck. I-I Geoff...I didn't...I didn't mean to—” blonde hair fell haphazardly into his eyes, and he's desperately trying to free himself. To go apologize to his lover. He hadn't meant it. He just remembers coming home, and then he had pulled his gun. No. No, how could he have done that to him?

“Ray will be fine, Jack and Gavin patched him up.” Ryan didn't seem calmed by the words, “Ryan, this death. It's done a number on Ray, and even more so on you. He'll be okay, but I think it's better we keep you the two of you separated for the time...” Geoff was cut off as the door swung open, revealing a very disheveled Ray. The younger male was in his pajama pants and nothing more, shivering slightly, and arm in a sling. “Go back and lay down, Ray. It's not a good time.” Geoff instructed cooly, but Ray ignored him, marching over to Ryan and swiftly backhanding the Vagabond. A welt immediately rose up on his cheek, the paint smearing across Ray's hand in the process.

Geoff grabbed Ray by his good shoulder, and pulled him back, “After this long—“ he snarls, “After all these months, you come home...you come home and you don't know who I am? You fuckin' shoot me?!” he was shaking, whether or not from the cold, or the overwhelming amount of emotion he wasn't sure. Ryan looked defeated, shaking his head desperately, only to receive another smack. Ray was furious, and not thinking clearly.

“Ray! That's enough!” Geoff snapped, snatching the lad's wrist and gripping it tight, “That's enough, buddy.” his says again, hand gently brushing through his hair. Ryan doesn't miss the way Geoff was looking at him, and it makes him feel murderous. He was in bed with Ray when he had entered the room, he was holding him. His face buried in his hair, much like how they would sleep. The sniper's head dips at the touch, and shakes his head.

“I don't fuckin' get it...”

“I'm so sorry, baby.” Ryan starts, “I didn't mean to. I wasn't in control of myself. I would never hurt you. You know that.” there was a whispering in the back of his skull though. It was so quiet, but he could feel it tickling at the madness there. _'He doesn't love you. He doesn't care about you. He moved on. You should have killed him. You're The Vagabond. You deserve to kill him. You could do it. You could wrap your hands around his throat—'_ Ryan tries to stop listening, “Please, I was lost without you, that's all! I...I wasn't myself.”

Geoff chews his lower lip, and nods slowly, this was Ryan. The Ryan he trusted. Though, he wasn't ready to trust him fully quite yet. 

“I'm glad your'e back, Rye...” Ray whispers, a sense of relief washing over him, but he was worried about him, “Just rest, it's fine. I'm okay.” slowly, cautiously he walks to Ryan and leans down to press a kiss to the side of his mouth. Geoff pulls Ray away though, before the chaste kiss turns into anything more, and Ryan wants to throttle him for it. He hadn't seen Ray in months, and he was trying to take him away already? No, that wasn't fair. 

“I still think you two need a little more time apart, just until Ryan is stable.” Ryan eyes Geoff, and nods in agreement, despite his conflicting thoughts. 

“Yeah, alright, just a little long. It's alright, my rose.” those voices are getting louder. _Kill him. Kill him. Kill him. Kill him._ “We'll be together again soon, I promise...” What the hell was wrong with him? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for any and all errors.
> 
> So, Ryan isn't doing well. Ray is pissed. Does he have the right to be?  
> Will Geoff and Ray's relationship advance further? Will Ryan be alright, or will The Vagabond take over again?
> 
> Stay tuned!
> 
> Also, tell me what you think! I love hearing from you all!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some harsh language.

After a week, with no incident from The Vagabond, Ryan was allowed out and free to roam around the house again, however he had strict orders not to be with Ray alone. Not yet. It put Ryan in a terrible mood though, and despite him being 'better' everyone avoided him. Ray would watch helplessly as his lover trudged about their home, looking sullen, and completely besides himself. There was a few times they would run into each other in the hall, and Ray would give him a quick kiss, but other than that. Nothing. No contact. Ryan wanted Geoff to trust him again, but things were oddly strained amongst the two Alpha males. Each would bristle in each other's company, giving a hard glare before acting like nothing is wrong. Everyone saw it though. You could cut the tension with a knife; it was palpable. 

A night rolled around, the third week of Ryan being home, and both had decided that enough was enough. Ray had snuck into Ryan's room, long after Geoff had fallen asleep. Not that Geoff really had a say in what Ray did with Ryan, he just didn't want to hear him gripe and groan about it. It had been a fluke that night, confusion, and it was done. Ryan wouldn't hurt him. He'd be fine. Ryan had thought the same thing, and that's why he allowed Ray to come that night. 

With cold feet, he shuffled across the floor and hopped into Ryan's bed, wearing a pair of tight boxers and his favorite sweater. He quickly snuggled under the blankets and pressed in close to him, breathing in the familiar scent, “Fuck...” he grumbled out, head dipping to nuzzle against his neck, pressing a kiss there. He had missed this so much, the time they could spend together, tangled in each other's limbs. It was his favorite part of sharing a bed. That, and Ryan was the best cuddler to ever cuddle. He would defend that until his last breath. Ray closed his eyes, pressing his ear flush against Ryan's bare chest, just listening for the heart beating beneath the flesh. It was so steady, and Ray was a little jealous that he couldn't be the same. His heart was nearly in his throat, and pounding in his ears to the point where it felt like he was under water. 

“I'm glad to have you back in my arms.” Ryan whispers, petting his lover's hair as he watched him shift to come closer. Ray was so soft, yet firm and real. Since being back he had been having terrible nightmares about Ray. They all ended with him fading away, right as Ryan would put his hand on his chest. Like he was the reason he was disappearing. It was a terrifying notion, but having him here. Safe and sound, it was all he could ask for. He hadn't even heard the voices since that first night, so maybe things were going to be fine now. It's all he could ask for. It's all any of them could ask for really. This wasn't the worst a death had caused, there was one rather nasty incident last year. Gavin had drown, and when he came back, he didn't remember any of them. Michael had been devastated. It took nearly three months for Gavin to even remember who he was, and there are still times when he gets a little lost. Michael was good though, he always guided him back. Ryan admired that.

“I can say the same.” Ray grins, shifting to look up at Ryan with big brown eyes, and a goofy grin. He hadn't been this happy in a very long time. He hadn't smiled so broadly since the day before Ryan's death. He remembered it well. “I was a mess without you, dude.” he admits, humming as Ryan pets his hair in response, those big hands coming to cup his cheeks gingerly.

“I know, love. I know.” Ryan whispers, his lips dipping down to capture Ray's in his own. The kiss is innocent enough, but it doesn't take long for things to heat up. Ray shifts to straddle his lover's lap, moaning softly at the hardness he could feel pressing into him. They hadn't done anything in almost eight months now, well, Ray hadn't. Ryan, he wasn't sure. He didn't want to know. Passion began to fuel them both, Ryan stripping the small lad's sweater off, and tossing it away. Ray pouted for a moment as the brisk air caressed his bare skin, but Ryan was so warm that he didn't mind after moment. 

“Ryan—” Ray's voice cracked, and Ryan was there in an instant, hands brushing all over his skin, hushing the desperation in his tone.

“Shh, I'm here now. I'm right here.” he urges, pulling him in for a deep kiss. Ryan can't help but to melt at the contact, his head dizzy as he feels the hot burst of tongue pressing passed his lips. He's trembling all over, but fuck, this was everything he wanted and more. The kiss evolves into bites against his lips, and finally Ryan flipping them over so he can hover over his boy. He gazes down at him, his blue eyes lust blown, and his lips pressed into a hard line.

“Don't fucking leave me again.” the smaller begs, and Ryan nods once, “I'm serious, Rye. I can't do it again. I can't have you die in my arms, you don't know how it feel to watch someone you're in love with disappear.” he's close to breaking down, and he's not afraid to in front of his lover. Ryan would understand. Hell, he had always told him that he was there. No matter what, he'd let Ray cry if he needed to.

“I'm sorry, I really am.” _'Cry baby. Cry baby. Cry baby.'_ the voice startles Ryan, and he has to blink hard, covering it up with a nod, “Ray, I wish it had never happened, and I would never want to experience what you had to. I would lose my mind if I lost you. I don't know what I would do.” he had watched too many of them die, but Ray was the only one who hadn't. Hell, they weren't a hundred precent sure if Ray would come back. It was never tested. Never proved. It was why everyone was so protective of the sniper, why he was the baby of the group.

“And I don't want you to.” he chokes, tears pooling in the corner of his eyes as he gazed up at him, “I wouldn't ever wish that pain on you.”

 _'Except he let you die. He missed the shot on purpose. He wanted you dead. You saw how Geoff was looking at him. You saw them together in the bed, letting Geoff hold him the way you would.'_ Ryan winces, and Ray notices this time.

“Ryan?” his head quirks to the side, and a hand comes up to press against his cheek in a worried fashion, “You okay? Do you have a headache?” 

The older man just nods at that, “A bit.” Ray gives him a look, and cranes his neck up to kiss his nose, “I'm sorry, I'm just tired.”

The brown haired man hums in understanding, and pats the free area next to him, “Lay down. We don't have to do anything tonight, I'm just happy to be laying with you.” Before Ray even realized it, something had changed in the way Ryan was looking at him, and it made his heart skip a beat. He didn't like it, “Rye?”

“Geoff would like that wouldn't he?” the question had been so sudden, that it made Ray's brow furrow, and mouth fall open stupidly.

“What?” it didn't make any sense.

“He fucked you right? When I was gone?” Ryan's tone had gone so cold, and Ray was squirming under him slightly. 

“The fuck? No? We didn't do shit, why the hell would you even ask that?” he snapped out in an outrage, but as he went to move their was suddenly hands at his throat, pressing a little too tight.

“You two must think I'm stupid, right? You must think I didn't see the two of you together the night I got back. The way he fucking looks at you pisses me off!” Ryan snarls, those voices in his head growing louder and louder. They were screaming now. 'KILL HIM. KILL HIM. KILL THEM ALL.' “I'll fuckin' kill him. How dare he touch you.” Ray was in a complete panic now, his hands coming up to claw at Ryan's chest in a feeble attempt to get free. However, Ryan was too heavy, he was crushing him. _He couldn't breathe_.

“R-Ry-” Ray manages to choke out, the fingers around his neck using bruising force now, “R-Rye...stop...” a whimper escapes, and tears are now flowing off his cheeks and soaking the pillow beneath him. 

“YOU DID THIS TO ME!” Ryan roars, and all Ray can do is pray that someone wakes up, “YOU WANTED ME DEAD! YOU HAD ME SHOT!” The young sniper was starting to fade, his vision blacking out on the edges. To his good fortune, he heard the door open, and in seconds Ryan was off him. Michael had heard the screaming from his room, which was just across the hall. Gavin had run in as well, and was at Ray's side.

“Bloody hell, Ray!” He cried, the Brit coming to his aid, “Hey, it's okay, boy. Breathe.” Ray nodded trying to wave Gavin off, he'd be fine. His eyes however went to Michael was currently wrestling Ryan to the group, a slew of curses coming from his mouth as his fist connected with Ryan's jaw. There was a few more hits, each getting a good one in, but it was Michael who had settled it. He had brought Ryan forward, and in one violent movement headbutting him. It was a move the rendered the furious ginger in just as bad shape, but Ryan was finally still. 

Geoff had come in a moment before the epic headbutt, and was standing in the door looking over the situation. He didn't know what to do with this. He didn't know how to handle Ryan, because it was clear that Ryan was sick. There was something plaguing his mind, just as it had all those years ago. It was clear in the way Ryan curled in on himself, and was apologizing profusely into his knees. 

“I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean to...T-They get so loud. _So loud_. Ray. Ray, I'm sorry. I ruined everything. I did it again. I'm sorry.”

_Pathetic._

And that's all the words could say before Ryan was lead back down to the spare room, where he was once again, bound to the chair. _Pathetic._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ran out of steam on this chapter, I was very tired when I wrote it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Self-harm. Suicide Attempt.

The day was a quiet one to say the least, due to the event that occurred the evening before, it had caused things to stand still at the house. Early this morning they had come to an unanimous decision that Ryan was too dangerous to have staying with the crew. Ray was a mess over agreeing, but felt like there was no choice in the matter. Ryan could accidentally hurt any one of them. So, Geoff and Jack were currently transporting the Vagabond up to the safe house that was tucked away in the mountains. The same place they had planned on sending Ray a few weeks ago. This separation was hard on everyone, but this was all for their safety, Ryan included.

As the sun rose to the highest point in the sky, Michael and Gavin found there way up to Ray's room. Together, hand in hand, with their faces both showing signs of exhaustion, they crept into the room and frowned at their friend's sleeping form. Gavin rubbed at his own red rimmed eyes, and sighed softly to himself, his long fingers grasping tightly to his boyfriend's/ The pair looked completely knackered. Michael's hair was splayed in a dozen different directions, his face much paler than normal, while Gavin just seemed to be retreating into his own body. His shoulders were so incredibly slumped. The lads needed time to relax, and that's exactly what they had planned for the day.

Gavin's lips quirked into an amused smile as Ray snored softly, his friend burying his face further into Ryan's blue and black leather jacket. In his hand, his DS was precariously hanging from his sleepy digits. It was a cute sight, but Michael being the best friend he was, was there to catch the device before it could take an unfortunate tumble. They thought about not waking him at all, but that wasn't going to happen. They'd all crash later. Today was going to be fun, even if it killed them.

Keeping that smile plastered to his face, Gavin reached down to gingerly shake Ray awake, and neither of the boys were shocked by his reaction. Ray's rich hues popped open in panic, a startled gasp falling from chapped lips as he lashed out and seized Gavin's wrist. Michael visibly tensed at that, but Gavin wasn't worried. After a full ten seconds Ray finally blinked hard, and realized that it was just them, and then he was able to fully relax. A curse was mumbled out from the youngest lad, his body shifting as he palmed blindly at the mattress for his glasses. Once he could properly see, Ray pushed his hand through his hair, and stretched out. He was a wreak, but so was everyone else, so hey, he didn't feel too bad about it.

After a moment of a painfully awkward silence he broke the silence. “The fuck you guys watchin' me sleep for?” he grumbled weakly, blushing as he carefully folded Ryan's jacket, and placed it safely in his lap. He gaze fell, concentrating solely on the leather. Ray quietly hoped that he wouldn't get too cold up in the mountains without it, but his lover had insisted that he keep it warm for him. He was worried sick about Ryan, he just wanted everything to be good again. He wanted things to go back to 'their' normal.

“We're gunna go out today, so drag your lazy ass out of bed.” Michael muttered, too tired for any real fire to be laced in his words. Gavin was on it though, reaching out to grip Ray's shoulder, and giving them a excited shake.

“Michael's driving us to the beach! It's nice out, and a little dip in the ocean'll be top.” he exclaimed, “Grab your pretty little rose swim trunks and meet us in the car, okay?” Ray didn't look even remotely interested in the idea, but the way Michael was glaring at him, he knew better than to argue about it. So, instead he nods to appease both the Brit, and the Jersey boy. 

“Good.” Michael bites out, giving Ray a lame smirk, tugging Gavin back and toward the door, “Leavin' in ten, asshole! Your cute but better be down here, or I'll come up and drag you down.”

“You got it, man.” Ray huffs out with an airy laugh, and that's all they needed to hear before disappearing. Once they were gone, Ray was reaching for his phone. It was nearing one now, so he was sure that Ryan was at the safe house at this point. He also knew it was probably for the best that he don't call. Instead, he slid through his contacts until he found the name, 'Big Boss' and pressed call. Geoff must have had his phone in his hand, because he answered at the first ring.

“Hey, kid.” Ray flinched at the greeting, Geoff was going to see him as a child until the day they all die in a fiery blaze of glory, “You alright, bud?”

“M'fine.” Ray is practically whispering into the receiver, “Gavin and Michael are dragging me to a God damn beach, just wondering if this was one of your bright ideas. You know, to get me more vitamin D or some shit.” There a laugh on Geoff;s end, but he could tell that it was rather forced, and Ray knew why. Geoff probably hadn't slept, and he could always tell when he was starting to drink. He could hear it in his voice.

“Nah, but I'm glad you're getting out, you can't keep yourself all locked away. Go out with those idiots, and try to have a decent time. Jack and I are going to stay here a bit longer, to make sure Ryan gets settled in alright— He hasn't had an episode since we left, but—” Ray knew why Ryan was fine, and it was all because he was away from him. Ryan seemed to only get bad when they were together, and it killed Ray to know that a part of his lover's mind blamed him for what had happened. He was starting to think it really was his fault. He had never missed such an important shot before, and yet he had. Geoff's voice broke through his messy thoughts, “But he wanted me to tell you not to blame yourself.”

“Of fuckin' course he did.” Ray whimpered, his hands groping the leather jacket desperately. He was trying to ground himself, but he was falling fast.

“It's not your fault, Ray. We all know that. Ryan knows that, but we have to make sure you're getting it.” Geoff's comment attempted to cut through the overwhelmingly thick fog beginning to settle on his mind, but it doesn't quite work out.

“I gotta go.”

“Ray? Ray, c'mon, talk to me, lad.” Geoff begged.

“I can't.”

There was slight distressed sound, but Ray ended the call before Geoff could say anything else. He got out of bed, feeling ill, and bolted to the bathroom. The edges of his vision seemed to be going dark, and it was sheer panic that started to overcome him. A trembling sob left his lips, but it was more _anger_ that was taking over. His fist flashed out, and connected with his pitiful reflection, the glass shattering a deafening experience. The shards stuck into his knuckles, causing a yelp to fall from his lips. Why did this have to happen? Why did Ryan have to come back like this? He would rather him be dead than— The thought startled Ray, and he fell to his knees, glaring down at the bloodied vision in a large chunk of mirror.

No. He didn't wish that on him. He didn't wish Ryan was still dead. It wasn't like that. His uninjured hand was cradling the glass, the edges _sharp_. His body moved without his permission, the tip of the shard gliding up his wrist in a vertical fashion. The blood came so fast that he couldn't think, it wasn't until he was starting to feel weak that he screaming. What had he done? He hadn't meant to— He couldn't die. He couldn't do that to everyone.

He clapped his other hand over the wound, and cried out, “H-Help! Gavin! Michael!” Ray shouted, fat tears gushing out, practically choking on them as they did. The other lads had heard the glass break, so they had been on their way, but this was not what they had expected to walk into. Michael's eyes flew wide, and Gavin let out a shocked squawk. Michael immediately began screaming at Gavin to get the first aid kit, and pulled Ray flush against his chest, his own hand adding pressure to the wound. They sat on the floor, with Ray's weakening body beginning to go lack in Michael's arms.

“Gav! F-Fucking hurry!” Michael cried, not able to hold the emotion that was flowing from his voice, “C'mon buddy! You'll be okay, I got you, Ray. I got you, man. Shit. Shit. Shit! GAVIN!” Gavin was back in a flash, shaking so hard that you could visibly see it. Michael's left hand wrapped around Ray's head, holding him close, and crying into his cheek.

“Ray, w-we got you, mate. I-I can fix this. I-I can help.” Gavin sobbed out, and quickly began to work. He thanked whatever deity there might be that Ray's aim had been a little off, and he didn't sever any major veins in his arm. He was able to painfully, but quickly sew up his arm, the bathroom a blood bath by the time it was over. They were all practically laying on the bathroom floor, exhausted, and crying. Ray was in so much pain from doing all that without anything to numb it, and the other two just didn't have the heart to move. Michael couldn't stop crying, and Gavin was completely stone faced at this point. They needed to get this whole thing under control, because it was going to kill one of them.

The three fell asleep there. Right on the bathroom floor, covered in Ray's blood.

-*-

Geoff and Jack arrived back a little earlier than they had expected, Ryan shooing them out to go check on the lads. What they hadn't expected was to see the cars unmoved, and none of the lads to be found. Needless to say the two began to search the house, and when they found them, Jack was at their sides in a second. He woke his boys, eyes tearing up when he saw the quick work Gavin made of Ray's arm. There was no need for questions. Gavin practically threw himself at Jack, and buried his face in the warmth of the larger man. Michael got up slowly, and let Jack take care of Ray who was still out cold. 

“Michael—” Geoff whispered, catching the lad as he collapsed into his arms, his chin resting on the light brown locks, “I'm here, now. You guys are okay.

“What're we gunna do, Geoff? W-We can't keep going on like this.” Michael husked out, tears wetting the bosses shoulders, “I-I can't keep wondering if one of them are going to disappear again. I-I can't fuckin' do it.” Geoff hugged Michael close and nodded.

“We'll find a way to fix this. We've gone through worse, boy. I won't ever fuckin' lose one of you again.” His gaze fluttered to Ray who was being picked up by Jack, and brought back to his bed. He'd make this right, and he'd make sure Ray knew he was fucking loved. That he wasn't allowed to leave them. Not like this.


End file.
